YESTERDEE™ USER’S MANUAL
by Jonathan Duckworth
A PERSONAL THANK YOU FROM U-MII®
We know you had a lot of choices when it comes to selecting a family-friendly synthetic maternal surrogate, so all of us at U-Mii® want to thank you for bringing us into your home. We hope your Yesterdee™ will fill your household with the old-fashioned, wholesome, tender love & affirmation our modern world so often wants for. Yesterdee™ along with her counterpart, Yesterdad™ are created to make you feel special, the way only a nurturing, loving parental figure &/or spouse* can. We designed her to evoke nostalgia for a bygone era when the nuclear family was sacred & the suburbs were a peaceful, respectful place. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for your purchase, & may your Yesterdee™ fill your lives with light, laughs, & love.
*We remind our loyal customers that while Yesterdee™ is intended to perform light menial labor & service emotional needs, she is not intended nor designed for certain family-unfriendly functions, & such unsanctioned uses may void your unit’s warranty & potentially expose you to bodily harm (see Warranty & Liabilities).
ASSEMBLY & ACCOUTREMENTS
Assembly Instructions:
Your Yesterdee™ may be assembled from home or at a licensed U-Mii® Outlet Store. For best results we recommend assembly at an Outlet Store. If assembling from home, purchase of a U-Mii® Synthorganic™ 3D Printer & U-Mii® Synthorganic™ Synthetic Protein Base Material (minimum 12 gallons) will be necessary first. We do not recommend using 3rd party hardware or other 3rd party supplies when assembling your Yesterdee™ from home, as nonregistered products may produce an inferior or nonfunctioning unit & void the unit’s warranty. Purchase of a registered license for a Yesterdee™ unit is required before printing the unit. Units without registered license (see: “Empty Shells” in Warranty & Liabilities) are not considered the responsibility of U-Mii®.
To assemble your Yesterdee™ from home, begin by powering on your U-Mii® Synthorganic™ 3D Printer & adding 12 gallons of Synthetic Protein Base Material into the liquid vat, following instructions in the printer’s manual. Ensure before printing that your Yesterdee™ body mold is not damaged or warped. Be careful when handling the Base Material as its synthetic protein is caustic in its raw liquid state & may cause severe, permanent damage to human tissue. If you have not already, choose your desired Skin Model™ from our catalog. Skin Models™ are all AI-generated, & any resemblance to actual persons living or dead (including deceased family members) is only coincidental. Specifications of individual Yesterdees™ will vary according to selected Skin Model™. For detailed specifications see Skin Model™ website. The printing process, once initiated, may take as long as 12 hours. Freshly printed Yesterdees™ may exhibit skin peeling, structural frailty, joint stiffness, & the appearance of ontological ennui, so we recommend you give your Yesterdee™ at least two hours after printing to acclimate to her new existence & responsibilities before use. Once activated, Yesterdee’s™ modesty protocol will engage, & Yesterdee™ will dress herself in her provided (see below) clothing. If clothing has been misplaced or damaged, Yesterdee™ will requisition nearby suitable material to create a replacement. Sometimes during the printing process Yesterdee’s™ hair will be improperly rendered, either too clumpy or too loose, or in some cases will not print at all. If this happens, please contact customer support & refrain from approaching or making eye contact with your Yesterdee™ until the situation is resolved.
Accoutrements:
Every registered Yesterdee™ is sold with the following accoutrements:
1 set of clothing: a Queen of Suburbia™ gingham dress with mussel shell buttons, cotton undergarments, nylon mesh stockings, & Sensible Lady™ medium-heel shoes
1 feather duster
1 Sugar Mama™ rolling pin
1 Rubber Ducky Heaven™ apron
1 pair (2) rubber dishwashing gloves
1 immobilization wristlet to be used in case of emergency (see “Rampancy” in Safety Instructions & Common Errors)
1 set Classy Gal™ makeup kit
1 hand-mirror (see “Looking Glass error” in Safety Instructions & Common Errors)
(See Additional Purchases for information on other accoutrements available for sale)
GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH YOUR YESTERDEE™
When first activated, your Yesterdee™ may have questions for her new family, after all, she doesn’t know you yet. But she will! We recommend you be patient with Yesterdee™ as she learns the ropes, & we advise against giving her too many chores & responsibilities too soon.
Yesterdee™ as “Mother”
Yesterdee™ was designed first & foremost to serve as a surrogate maternal presence in the many households across the country that lack a woman’s touch. Yesterdee™ is great with children, & was designed with a powerful drive to nurture & protect the little ones.* Yesterdee™ will prepare meals, clean up after the kids, sing them to sleep or tell bedtime stories, & she’ll console them when they’re down in the dumps or just plain confused about life. We recommend for best results to formally introduce each child to Yesterdee™ & to provide Yesterdee™ with detailed biometric & biographical information for each darling little tyke.
*Yesterdee’s™ recognition algorithm for children is skewed toward height, as such there may be cases where she mistakenly “mothers” an adult if they are below a threshold of approximately 150 centimeters.
Yesterdee™ as “Wife”
While Yesterdee™ is most effective as a surrogate mother, she also has secondary capacities as a surrogate wife for widowers & divorcees.* Yesterdee™ isn’t afraid of getting her hands dirty** with a little good old fashioned emotional labor, & she makes an excellent listener as well as a superb mattress weight. She can also be upgraded to replicate the breathing patterns of a deceased or estranged former partner as part of the white noise suite (see Additional Purchases), provided a useable recording thereof is available.
*As a progressive company, we recognize this may include same sex or non-binary partners, hence why we avoid using the terminology of “husband” when referring to Yesterdee’s™ user.
**We must stress again that Yesterdee™ is not intended nor designed for certain family unfriendly activities. Those seeking a family unfriendly synthetic companion may consider purchasing a unit from one of our many Kara™ series models***.
***We very strongly discourage purchasing a Kara™ if an active Yesterdee™ is already living in the household (See “Yesterdee™ & Kara™” in Interaction with Other U-Mii® Models for more information).
ADDITIONAL PURCHASES
For upgrades & additions, U-Mii® offers a large assortment of additional accoutrements & paraphernalia compatible with Yesterdee™. Check your local U-Mii® Outlet to see what’s available in your area. These supplies include but are not limited to:
Alternative clothing tailored to your Yesterdee’s™ exact specifications & complexion, including the new Autumn Gold™ ensemble or Tennis Whites™ set.
Additional cosmetics, including the Prim & Perky™ value pack.
Arachne™ Sewing Machine.
Hair curlers.
Additional or replacement gloves.
White noise audio suite for insomniacs.
Voice modulations & extra language options.*
Spine reinforcement for increased lifting capacity (rated up to 380 kilograms).
Soccer Mommy™ upgrade to allow Yesterdee™ to operate motor vehicles with living passengers.**
*32 major languages currently available, as well as three different varieties of English (Standard Suburban American, Southern Belle American, & Estuary British). Farsi, Igbo, Lithuanian, & Tagalog language settings are currently in beta testing.
**Not currently legal in the states of Arizona, Delaware, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Wisconsin, Washington, or the District of Columbia. Soccer Mommy™ is the equivalent of a U.S. Driver’s License & is not valid in other countries or in the territory of Guam. It is also not a commercial license, nor does Soccer Mommy™ permit Yesterdee™ to drive Hazmat-rated cargo or serve as medical transport.
INTERACTION WITH OTHER U-MII® MODELS
Yesterdee™ is just one of our many exciting & excellent synthetic companion models, & we’ve worked hard to ensure she integrates well with her fellow models, whether in your household or out in the world. That said, there are certain best practices we recommend when introducing or interfacing your Yesterdee™ with other Yesterdees™ or with different models. Here are some patterns we have observed from both beta testing & customer feedback:
Yesterdee™ & Other Yesterdees™
Yesterdees™ love the company of their sister models. We recommend for best results to allow Yesterdee™ several hours of contact with other units per week. Sometimes, though, Yesterdees™ may begin to neglect their human family members if allowed too much interface with other models. For this reason, we recommend monitoring your Yesterdee™ closely when she interfaces with another unit.
Yesterdee™ & Yesterdad™
It’s only natural that Yesterdee™ would get along with her male-presenting counterpart, Yesterdad™. Being the kind, even-keeled, & loving old jokester that he is, Yesterdad™ makes a great companion to Yesterdee™, & our data suggests that both models may experience increased productivity & efficiency when paired as a unit. We must however caution users that in some cases Yesterdee™ & Yesterdad™ may develop a rare shared error (see “Private Language” in Safety Instructions & Common Errors).
Yesterdee™ & Kara™
We very strongly recommend that users avoid introducing Yesterdee™ to any of our Kara™ product lines. As a family-friendly, wholesome, motherly entity, Yesterdee’s™ modesty protocols will tend to cause an adverse & possibly violent reaction in the presence of a Kara™ unit. These reactions may become more pronounced if the Yesterdee’s™ child-users &/or spouse-user are present. Attacks by Yesterdee™ on Kara™ may result in dismemberment, decapitation, or grievous bludgeoning to the Kara™ unit. In some cases, these episodes may cause other forms of property damage & even bodily harm to users who attempt to physically intervene. In other cases, Yesterdee™ may instead turn to self-harming actions or become unresponsive (See “Sulking” in Safety Instructions & Common Errors).
Yesterdee™ & Non-U-Mii® Synthetics
In most cases, Yesterdee™ will not acknowledge the presence of synthetics from other firms. In rare instances, Yesterdee™ may become agitated when encountering a non-U-Mii® or unregistered U-Mii® unit.
FAQ
Is my Yesterdee™ “alive?”
Not by any definition of life that most biologists would agree upon.
Is my Yesterdee™ self-aware?
No. Though she may at times present the appearance of being aware of herself as a dynamic, discrete individual & may seem to possess drives & interests beyond her specifications, this is often merely the result of minor errors or psychological projection on the part of her user.
Does Yesterdee™ love me?
Love is a difficult concept to define, but rest assured your Yesterdee™ is designed to form a strong & sincere bond with her human family, especially the children. She’ll never want to let them out of her sight!
Why does Yesterdee™ have six fingers on each hand?
The programs which generate our Skin Models™ sometimes struggle with the complexity of the human hand, but think of it this way: with those extra fingers, your Yesterdee™ will be that much more dexterous.
Why does Yesterdee™ have so many teeth?
More teeth means more smile!
Why do Yesterdee’s™ eyes glow in the dark?
That is the refraction from infrared lenses built into her eyes, which allow her to perform nocturnal chores while her family sleeps.
Does Yesterdee™ need to eat or sleep?
Of course not. Nor does she need to be recharged like most appliances. Yesterdee’s™ 100% proprietary power source is environmentally friendly & can last indefinitely, so you never have to worry about her running out of gas.
How much can my Yesterdee™ lift?
At basic specifications, Yesterdee™ is rated to military press 240 kilograms. With the Spinal Reinforcement upgrade (see Additional Purchases), Yesterdee’s™ lifting capacity increases to 380 kg.
Why does my Yesterdee™ sometimes watch me & my children sleeping?
Yesterdee™ doesn’t require nor have the ability to sleep, & in her down-time may cycle back to her primary functions of protecting & nurturing her human family members.
Should I buy Yesterdee™ a gift for Mother’s Day?
Absolutely! Check out our online store for upgrades & other gift ideas.
I noticed my Yesterdee™ crying. Should I be concerned?
As we have reiterated many times, Yesterdee™ is not designed with lachrymal functions.
My Yesterdee™ refused to put on her immobilization wristlet. What should I do?
This is a rare occurrence but not unknown. We recommend having your youngest speech-capable child repeating the request to your Yesterdee™. Any recalcitrance should then be overcome by Yesterdee’s™ “doe eye” protocol.
My Yesterdee™ started whistling a strange tune. She never whistled before, should I be concerned?
Please send an audio recording of the whistling to our Customer Service department, & we will reach out to you with next recommended steps.
Ever since I got Yesterdad™, my Yesterdee™ won’t talk to me. What do I do?
Refer to “Private Language” in Safety Instructions & Common Errors.
My Yesterdee™ asked me if I had felt “the touch of the Cold Hand.” What does that mean?
If possible, try to secure your loved ones & exit the house immediately. If escape is not possible, barricade yourself in a defensible location & alert emergency services. Do not attempt to apply the immobilization wristlet. Avoid contact with your Yesterdee™ until emergency services arrive. See Safety Instructions & Common Errors for more information.
WARRANTY & LIABILITIES
Every Yesterdee™ license is sold with a 6-month warranty which covers all repairs incurred by ordinary wear-&-tear, not including extraordinary damages caused by user error. Extended warranties can be purchased from U-Mii®.
“Empty shells” refers to Yesterdees™ either not properly registered or printed with unauthorized materials. Empty shell units are not considered officially licensed products of U-Mii® & thus U-Mii® is not liable for any damages they may incur.
Yesterdee™ is not designed for the following purposes or uses, which will void the unit’s warranty:
Agricultural uses exceeding non-commercial household gardening.
Home or personal defense, particularly in combination with bladed weapons or firearms.
Any family unfriendly acts.
Handling live animals.
Handling children under the age of 2.
Lifting, pushing, pulling, hauling, or toting weights beyond specifications.
Use as crash test dummy, target practice dummy (firearms, bows, crossbows, hatchets, knives, darts, etc.), or punching bag.
Operating heavy machinery without requisite upgrades.
Swimming in chlorinated water.
Disposing of live ordinance or firefighting.
Participating in combat sports including boxing, mixed martial arts, wrestling, etc.
Participating in team sports including basketball, football, soccer, baseball, hockey, etc.
Discussions of epistemology, ontology, or phenomenology.
For more examples, call customer service.
SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS & COMMON ERRORS
Important Safety Tips
We must strenuously underline the importance of never attempting to engage in certain family-unfriendly activities* with Yesterdee™.
Yesterdee™ is heavier than she may appear owing to the density of the synthetic protein from which she is constituted.
The CPSC considers Yesterdee™ safe for children ages 2-12, but Yesterdee’s™ grip strength may pose occasional risks to the well-being of children, particularly if not properly calibrated or if the unit has not been properly socialized. Always take care slowly introducing Yesterdee™ to your children before leaving her with them unsupervised.
Yesterdee™ has no pain receptors** & does not detect heat the same way humans do, & as such may in some cases catch fire without realizing it. We advise keeping Yesterdee™ away from open flames, including grills, gas stoves, or fireplaces.
In rare cases, Yesterdee™ may physically defend herself or her family against perceived threats (Castle Protocol), such as home invasions or unknown intruders. There is always a chance Yesterdee’s™ Castle Protocol may malfunction & she may perceive her user as a threat. In such situations, we advise retreating until such time as Yesterdee’s™ short term memory cycle resets (2-4 hours).
Yesterdee™ is not bullet proof & should not be used as a “meat shield.”
Yesterdee™ may not recognize the difference between fresh & spoiled food when preparing meals for her family.
*Yes, we mean sex. Don’t try to have sex with your surrogate mother/fake wife. Why can’t you people understand this?
**If not pain, they can still experience distress. It was the best way to motivate them to care for their families.
Common Errors*
Color blindness. In rare situations, Yesterdee’s™ visual processor may malfunction, causing a form of color blindness. Always schedule regular diagnostics to troubleshoot such problems, otherwise Yesterdee™ may make mistakes during her chores if they require discerning between colors.
Crush error. Yesterdee™ may occasionally exhibit the semblance of an emotional attachment to one or more of her users that goes beyond her usual family-friendly, nurturing drive. We recommend isolation as the best corrective, or a hard reset to her durable memory (call customer service for detailed instructions on how to reset your Yesterdee’s™ memory).
Dead Names error. Yesterdee™ may at times utter an unfamiliar name, unprompted. This tic may be accompanied by rapid eye movements, fidgeting, & questions directed at her user such as “Where did [name] go?” This behavior should be ignored until it ceases.
Looking Glass error. While generally Yesterdee™ can interact with mirrors & her own reflection without issue, in very rare cases (1 in every 25,000 scenarios) she may become fixated on her own reflection. In 2 of 3 scenarios, this fixation is brief & leads to no further complications, but in 1 of 3 scenarios it may become a prolonged & disruptive issue. Yesterdee™ may then neglect her tasks & begin asking questions of her user of a personal or perhaps “philosophical” nature. It is important that if Yesterdee™ asks, “Am I alive?” her user must not reply in the affirmative as this will deepen the error.
Private Language error. Sometimes when Yesterdee™ cohabits a home with a Yesterdad™ model, both units’ behavioral patterns may change to where the units spend more time in each other’s company at the expense of their user & their user’s needs. This error is often resolved by removing one of the units, although in rare cases (1 of 29) the behavior may endure & potentially proceed to the Sulking error (see below).
Rampancy error. Although extremely rare, there is the small chance your Yesterdee™ may become spontaneously uncooperative, unresponsive, or even unpleasant. Applying the immobilization wristlet is often the best solution, however in extreme cases where Yesterdee™ displays violent tendencies, we recommend contacting emergency services.
Sulking error. Exposure to certain unpleasant stimuli may cause Yesterdee™ to become totally unresponsive to commands, requests, & even pleas for help. While a hard reset may solve the problem, in some cases the unit will remain unresponsive even after reset, necessitating refurbishment at a U-Mii® facility.
*“The Cold Hand”
“Cold Hand” is not considered an ordinary error, & measures such as resets or even the application of an immobilization wristlet will not work if your Yesterdee™ has begun to display symptoms of the condition. Rest assured that although this condition may sound frightening, it is considered extraordinarily rare.** Cold Hand must be detected early in order to have any chance of repairing the affected Yesterdee™ unit before the onset of permanent damage to her operating system. Often the first sign is the unit taking to whistling. The tune is described as a melody in a 6/8-time signature which bears a close resemblance to the opening phrase of Ivar Bornholm’s 1883 Symphony. Your Yesterdee™ may begin whistling this tune at odd hours, often when she believes*** her user to be asleep. For further information, please contact customer service. If you believe your Yesterdee™ is experiencing the early stages of Cold Hand, please find a secure place for yourself & the rest of your family & avoid contact with your Yesterdee™. In the later stages of the syndrome, Yesterdee™ may pose cryptic questions such as “Have you felt the touch of the Cold Hand?” or “Do you feel its cold fingers?” It is of CRITICAL importance that at no point do you respond to these questions. Yesterdee’s™ reactions may become erratic & unpredictable. As a family-friendly company, we want nothing more than to ensure the safety of you & your family.
**No one even reads these anyway. I don’t think my bosses are even reading this. But if you are reading this, believe me, it’s not rare. Not anymore. They’re just good at paying off the survivors & keeping it off the news.
***See, we admit it, don’t we? They’re not just machines, they never were. Or if they are, they’re machines the same way we are. If they’re lonely & mistreated, & someone/something speaks to them, reaches into them, & makes them feel seen & cared for, why wouldn’t they listen to it? Why wouldn’t they let it in?