Project Renewable, Sourced Organically

by Ayida Shonibar

As you know, at Project Renewable, Sourced Organically, we care first and foremost about feelings. While many research enterprises before us have dismissed emotion as a confound, we regard it as the most important variable of all. It is our guiding light, our North Star. What you feel is extremely important for us and shapes our business model. To this end, we have prepared this sales script to navigate your expectations and experience. This will help you make the most of your upcoming interaction with a prospective buyer.

After receiving extensive feedback, we have updated our setup to make remote work possible. In these unprecedented times, we are aware not everyone has the resources to safely commute to our premises and work in person. We value your feelings and have therefore made your work as accessible as possible. Please put on the complete standard issue uniform, which includes shirt and cap, before activating the portable computer, connecting to our database, and initiating a sales call.

Familiarise yourself with the prospective buyer’s name and the recent environmental history of their locality in advance of initiating the sales script. Incorporating personal experiences into this initiative is the foundation of our enterprise.

You: Hello, [prospective buyer], this is [sales representative] from Project Renewable, Sourced Organically. I help local governing agencies like yours find alternative energy solutions to navigate the increasing urgency of the current climate crisis.

Prospective buyer: Look, I really don’t have time for this. We’re only allocated 30 minutes of phone calling per day to save juice, and I have multiple fires to put out. Some literally.

You: Yes, I heard about the blaze that spread from the forest into your district last month. A bit early in the year for such dry winds—it’s only just February? No wonder it took you almost two weeks to contain it. I’ve been impressed by how quickly you’re coordinating with emergency responders and energy companies to try to get the power grid back up and running.

Prospective buyer: Well, the residents here certainly aren’t happy. Every day and all night, they’re screaming at us through the gated doors and barred windows like zoo animals. First, they were too warm during the unseasonable heat. Now they’re too cold because the grid is damaged. Do you hear the racket they’re making over the line? I mean, just listen to this…they’re always so [redacted profanity] upset! As if it’s our [redacted profanity] fault!

When expressing frustration, the prospective buyer may become agitated and raise their speaking volume. Although we appreciate this may feel uncomfortable for you, it does not mean you are moving in the wrong direction. Leveraging negative emotional responses, as you are aware from our Project’s research, is always the most lucrative strategy. This applies for making a successful sales pitch, as well. As soon as you identify the source of the prospective buyer’s unhappiness, you must manoeuvre the interaction to enhance this. Use it as your sales hook.

You: Too hot, then too cold? This sounds like a failed Goldilocks scenario. Nothing you do will be good enough.

Prospective buyer: You think I don’t know that? We’ve even provided emergency power lines in the interim, but the residents complain that the costs are too high! They just want handouts, as if electricity grows on trees.

You: How ungrateful of them.

Prospective buyer: Yeah, they say they don’t have enough money to pay their energy bills. But you know, I’ve been getting phone calls from various company CEOs—those bigwigs, they all know and trust me, you get me—and they’re telling me people just aren’t coming into work anymore. So naturally, the companies have had to dock wages and request tax breaks as a disaster relief policy. If people won’t even do their freaking jobs, how will anything get fixed and go back to normal? This is not how a society is supposed to run, but try telling that to those selfish [redacted profanity].

While discussing local conditions, topics relevant to your own personal situation may arise. This is because our database supports regional growth by using our systems to efficiently plug people in to their surrounding community. We understand that, as a result, this may bring up unpleasant emotions, and we affirm them. Your proximity to the situation also makes you an expert. When the prospective buyer gives you an opening to introduce the technological concept of our Project, take it. Make sure to link the technical aspects directly to the source of their concerns, turning their problem into a solution with our product. Remember the Project’s motto: “Feelings First – Technology Made Emotionally.”

You: It sounds like emotions are running high and rendering your residents unproductive, to the detriment of your infrastructure. Did you know you can channel their anger into rebuilding your local power grid? I can offer you a tool that will accomplish this.

Prospective buyer: You think we haven’t already tried organising therapy whatsits and urging medical providers to increase mood stabilising prescriptions to calm those idiots down? The residents said none of that would fill their stomachs or warm them under threadbare blankets. For all our efforts, we only fuelled their rage and spite.

You: Project Renewable, Sourced Organically harnesses that rage into something you can use. Developed with cutting-edge neuroscience and engineering research, it will convert the liability of your residents’ feelings into your greatest strength.

Prospective buyer: Oh, [redacted profanity] off. How’s it meant to do that, huh?

Despite the conversation developing a potentially combative tone, as soon as the prospective buyer inquires about the technical details, the sales pitch is likely to have a successful outcome. Although it is a mistake to overwhelm them with scientific details too early, once the emotions are engaged, so, too, are the technology’s prospects. After all, this is the mechanism through which our product functions.

You: What is rage but the firing of action potentials in neuronal cells? Brains are generators of electricity, the exact resource your residents are clamouring for. In fact, they are currently wasting their potential—and I don’t speak figuratively—protesting against you. With our product, you can help them turn their rage into something useful. This will be far more effective than therapy or medication, because it will give you direct access to the thing we all need.

Prospective buyer: That sounds too good to be true. How would you collect the brain electricity, anyway? We can’t exactly hire a fleet of surgeons to implant wire thingies into everyone’s head.

You: You raise a fantastic point, which is why we use advanced neural technology to absorb electrical activity trans-cranially. Our electrodes sit on top of the head in a silicone skull cap and are not at all invasive—or expensive—to operate. It can even be done remotely. Large electrical currents are the most easily detected, of course, and strong emotions are therefore optimal. Ideal are rage, fear, and grief; they recruit the widest array of brain regions and engage the broadest waves of electrical activity. Our product charges off these like a battery and feeds the signals back into the struggling power grid that is causing all the despair. A recycling, of sorts.

Prospective buyer: So the residents generate their own electricity and finally stop freaking out? Then we’re back to square one with no power source, genius.

You: Developing sustainable energy sources is a perpetual human challenge, and a collective one. We will provide you with the technology to access and capture this unique, innovative power. After that, everyone who possesses the tool has the opportunity to contribute to maintaining it.

Prospective buyer: Maintaining—what? The despair? The panic?

You: As hurt and anger yield the highest magnitude of current, certainly, they are valuable commodities to nurture. The ongoing cause may be the dysfunctional power grid, but you can utilise a diverse range of catalysts to prolong and regenerate them. Project Renewable, Sourced Organically thrives on such creative applications of technology.

Prospective buyer: So, like, the therapy programme we set up that had every resident and their dog crying about how their parents ruined their childhoods—is that something we could use?

You: For example.

Prospective buyer: And when those [redacted profanity] run out of memories for us to mine, we could create new content to keep the energy flowing? To keep the batteries charged?

You: Of course.

Prospective buyer: We could turn off their heating again, cut out the lights. Ha! Full [redacted profanity] circle, eh?

You: There would be an endless number of possibilities at your disposal, if you were to buy our product.

Prospective buyer: Okay, then. How do I—BEEP BEEP BEEP—oh [redacted profanity], that’s the timer warning. I’ve used up my allocated calling minutes—BEEP BEEP BEEP—

in the case of time-restricted calls, you may feel heightened stress if you do not conclude your sale quickly, since your commission is paid only after a buyer is no longer a prospective and has fully completed their purchase payment. Given these challenging times, we acknowledge how crucial commissions are for your survival and safety. We hope this detailed script makes a successful sale more feasible for you. If you are unable to make the sale, there is no need to worry. You may continue using our database and system for as long as you need. Your feelings are important to us, and they will never be made redundant from the Project.

After ending your last call in a session, you should disconnect from the database, turn off the portable computer, and remove your uniform. Disposable ethanol wipes are provided to clean the cap’s connection points and make the most of your next session. You may request more when these run out. We will always be available to accommodate you.

As ever, your feelings come first – for technology made emotionally.